The Whine of Life, January 2004.

Fairytale spoofs are easy and fun. Not that this one is perfect, but it was fun. Just wish I could've put music to the Weed Song [Scroll for it]. The script was written by me as my college's entry for Natak 2004, an inter-collegiate drama competition in Chennai. 'Whine of Life' walked away with the most awards: best production, best supporting actress, best costume, best direction and best script. I was also nominated for best actor. Some kid who acted as an angst-ridden teenager who was fighting the urge to join a terrorist group won it. Go figure : )

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THE WHINE OF LIFE
By Priyanka Joseph

Jack
Jack’s mother
Giant
Hen
Harp
Story-teller
Chorus

STORYTELLER: (Enters humming the nothing song) Stay away from my house and my car, and I’ll stay away from yours. All right. Good evening to you all. So- you’re all happy, eh? You, fatty- you look like you’ve eaten enough to feed 10 PMSing elephants. You all have it so easy. What are those? Shoes? We haven’t had shoes in 20 years- Cooked and ate all of them. It is a hard life in this poor little village, whose name is... poor little village. We're all too tired to name it. Oh our poor little village has problems and pestilence. We have Hamlin’s rats, and Elliot's cats. Everyone is unhappy. This year there were 100 visa applications to the rich big village, over there. And this is strange because we have a population of (counts on fingers and toes) 23, and a half. – Who’s the half? Oh, that’s Bob, the transsexual waiter at the tavern- People want to emigrate with their dead relatives as well. All the nuclear waste in the soil is ruining their complexion. We, the people of poor little village like to look good, even when we pass out- err, pass on.

CHORUS: We have our pride, we have our tradition
Our grandpas in old age homes we do shun
Our cows make pies and so do we
We all wish we had our own apple tree

Everyone is unhappy. There is uranium is in our wheat. We cannot eat. Farmer Smith is starting a party, with speeches instead of beer: he wants to revolt against the government. Not Working. Everyone is unhappy. Everyone- except Jack.

Jack is happy. Jack lives with his mother. Jack, is happy. He is happy doing nothing. There's a famous question in our poor little village-
Jack, what do you want?
And he always replies, saying-

JACK: Nothing, just nothing.
[Chorus runs forward as villagers]
CHORUS1: Jack, here comes Bouncing Betty. Why don’t you marry her?

JACK: Nah, I’ll have to bathe everyday. She ain’t worth the trouble.

CHORUS2: Jack, here come the famous sathyamangalam smugglers. They’ve gotten rich smuggling sandalwood to the Rich Big Village. Join them and you can have anything you want!

JACK: Anything?

CHORUS2: Anything! What do you want?

JACK: Nothing, just nothing.

CHORUS3: Nevermind all that, Jack: lets go to the tavern and have a couple of beers.

JACK: Who’s paying?

CHORUS: Oh Bob will let us have credit at the tavern.

JACK: Wait a moment- what do you have to pay for the beer with?

CHORUS3: Nothing.

JACK: When you finish your beer, what will you have?

CHORUS2: A big bill to pay. (Sniggers)

JACK: No- you will have nothing! Just nothing. Might as well stay here. [Chorus sings the Nothing Song.]

The Nothing Song
Nothing is something in a far-away land
Where the sky is as huge as the palm of your hand
Anything is too much of a worry
Something’s a bug that will on eight legs scurry
Nothing is a lot in the short and long run
Your hands are free
You can catch rays of sun
Accept the fleas and you can jump seven seas
When you have nothing you're as light, as light as air
Oh, to not have a care!
So we wish you nothing
And best of nothing
And congratulations on your nothing
And merry nothing
Nothing greetings!

JACK (yawns, stretches his arms above his head and scratching his head, and says): Ma, Daisy has been nibbling at that strange large plant for the past two days. What is it anyway?

MOTHER (entering with a pair of spectacles on her nose): Seems to be Pisum Sativum. Must have mutated what with all the Uranium in the soil. It’ll probably come to nothing, Jack.

JACK: Ah, good.
[Shouts from Farmer Smith and his small crew carrying placards can be heard offstage. They come on, stage left. “Vote for smith”, “Smith’s your man”]

JACK: Lordy, I ain’t staying where that Farmer Smith can bellow in my ear about joining his stupid Party. There ain’t any beer even, Mother! I’m climbing that strange vegetable. Maybe then he’ll go away. [Climbs. Enter Farmer Smith and his tiny group]

FARMER SMITH: Ah, Jack my boy! Just the young person I need in my party. What are you doing up there?

JACK: Gardening. Leave me alone!
[They all gather at the base of the beanstalk and look up at Jack, along with his mother]

MOTHER: Oh dear, its quite high up! Jack dear, come down!

FARMER SMITH: The idiot actually seems to be trying to get higher!

WEED SONG
SOMEONE: the green weed is taking jack higher
MOTHER: it’s a pea plant!
SOMEONE: never knew he'd be a flyer
MOTHER: it’s a vegetable, matter for salad
FARMER SMITH: wonder if its sale would help the economy
MOTHER: my jack is a good boy, stop this ballad
SOMEONE: at least it relieves life's monotony
SOMEONE: maybe we should cut it and try some
MOTHER: I wish you’d all keep mum! Oh my jack
FARMER SMITH: no we should wait for him to come back
MOTHER: Is there hope then, for nobility of the human spirit?
FARMER SMITH: I just want to know if the trip was worth it
MOTHER: heavens
SOMEONE: a dream
FARMER SMITH: a trip
MOTHER: Jack

SMITH’S GROUP: we'll stalk him like a wolf. We won’t let this go.
Bean disappointed before, won’t take no more
He better come back with good news
FARMER SMITH: or he'll have his head to lose
EVERYONE: (all) what?
FARMER SMITH: of course, its something we all must choose
A human sacrifice is what this land needs
Better than all you’re priestly prayer beads
Peace
Blood
Salad
Jack
Peas
We want!

SOMEONE: Speaking of priestly, has anyone seen our priest? He wasn’t at church on Sunday.

SOMEONE: Oh, he climbed up yesterday to see where the beanstalk leads, and if there was a heavenly connection. The path to salvation, and all…
[Someone plays Stairway to heaven intro chords. Everyone turns around in sync and yells]

ALL: Aww, shut up! That’s only for old ladies.

MOTHER: Jack, be careful!

SOMEONE: Someone throw him an oxygen tank, he’s already blue around the gills!
[Lights Off]

Scene 2
[Stage in darkness, except for cold blue light and the sound of a blowing draft. Jack seen staggering around with his hands in front of him, trying to see in the dark]

JACK: Its like some dark cave… hope there aren’t any bats. It’s so cold… One should not enter into places where the door is so hard to open. And the door closed again on its own! What is this place?

[Sound of door opening. Big face seen. Screams of priest are heard. Cries of ‘Please no!’ ‘In the name of Heaven, please don’t eat me!’ are heard. Screams. Gigantic gulp noise and a burp. Silence. Sudden light.]

GIANT’S VOICE: Now where did I leave that Thousand Island dressing? Priests only taste good in dressing-err, with dressing.

JACK: What? Oh god that sounds like a giant!

GIANT: Ah there it is! Well, well what do we have here? Lookie, a dirty little villager from down-under. Come little man, you can be dessert!

JACK: Helllllllllllppp! [Lights off]

SCENE III
[Jack is seen a bit trussed up, and looking scared]

GIANT: Well, we have caramelized nuts and chocolate sauce and one human. Not bad at all. GRrrrrr. I seem to have an itch in my back, just where I can’t reach. Little man, get up there and get rid of it.
[Jack is grossed out]

JACK: So hang on- if I scratch your back, then you will scratch mine?

GIANT: Yes, of course- with a very sharp knife, and a very sharp fork. If you do a good job I might consider not eating you- today. Get up there! Now, to practice my theme song.

JACK: What, you mean fee fi fo fum?

GIANT: Yes; though I’ve been trying to revamp it. You know, move with the times and all

JACK: So what have you come up with so far?

GIANT (in a solemn voice): fee fi fo fum
Yenukku wora girlfriend vanumm.

JACK: Not happening. Where is the ragam, where is the thalam?

GIANT: And what do you know of show biz? You simple little person. Tell me- when you see lights whizzing above you in the sky at night, what do you think they are?

JACK: Asteroids hurtling towards earth and which get burned up on entry into our atmosphere.

GIANT: Wrong! Those lights are the private jet planes of the most powerful heads of state. They come to me to buy Uranium. You see- I am the uranium king. I hold the entire known reserve of the radioactive good stuff in the world. I use it to power everything up here- the refrigerator, which I think you have already met, the motor, the washing machine, everything!

JACK: What’s wrong with electricity?

GIANT: I hate paying bills.

JACK: Oh. So- where exactly does all the nuclear waste go?

GIANT: I dump it

JACK: Where?

GIANT: Below

JACK: But that’s where we live! No wonder everything is radioactive.

GIANT: Who asked you to live down there? I know I didn’t. All right enough talk. Now I want to gloat over all I possess. I want my gold and my music. Oh Harp- Harp! Get in here!
[Enter sullen, pretty Harp] Right. Sing.

HARP: What would you like?

GIANT: Something classical, it always puts me to sleep. Sing! [She starts] Stop! Hen, Oh Hen- get your tail feathers in here! [Enter Hen]

HEN: The name’s Henrietta.

GIANT: Same thing, woman! Now- lay! I want my golden eggs.

HEN: They are MY eggs. Have you no understanding of a mother’s feeling- the beak of my beak, the feather of my feather.

GIANT: I don’t care- Lay!

HEN: Not in front of all these people [looks at the audience]. I’ll be behind that door.

GIANT: Chicken- you are so chicken!

HEN: And you were expecting an ostrich, perhaps?

GIANT: Don’t make me go for another helping of chicken soup. Now Lay! Sing!
[They do the blue Danube alternatively]

I wish I could die (cluck cluck, cluck cluck)
I wish I could fly (tra-la tra-la)
This man is a bore (cluck cluck, cluck cluck)
Makes me feel like a whor [beep] (tra-la tra la)
We’re trapped in this place (cluck-tra la cluck)
How we hate his face (cluck-tra la cluck)
Oh can’t you see how we long to be free-e-e-e-e!
[Giant snores]

HARP: He’s out like a light again.

HEN: The way he eats its no wonder. How are you holding out?

HARP: Not bad, Henrietta, throat’s a bit sore, but I live- I have my dreams of the big lights, the crowds, the applause: Broadway calls, and I Tralala Harp, will answer! Someday, somewhere…

HEN: Yes, well all right, we know, we know- You will be a big star.

HARP: How many eggs tonight, dear?

HEN: 3. There was meant to be 4, but the doc said it was premature. But does he care? No! Sits around the house, abusive and over-weight, and does nothing but eat people and sometimes potter around his nuclear plant. What does he take me for, the bum. (Teary) One of these days, I swear I will just walk out on him.

JACK: Psst! Do you want to walk out now?

BOTH: Who said that?

JACK: Shh! I did. The name’s Jack. I’m going to run away now, and you two could come with me.

BOTH: Where are you off?

JACK: My village, down-under. I live there, with my cow and my mother. Quick, before he wakes up (Snores and grunts heard. They sneak out).

STORYTELLER: Stay away from my house and my car, and I’ll stay away from yours. So, you’re still here, ay? Vetti whaste people. Now what do you think will happen? Jack, who never wanted anything- and didn’t have much to begin with- now, he has golden eggs and a beautiful woman who sings. Has Jack actually started wanting? What do you think? First you tell me- how many of you would like a golden egg? Raise your hands [Goes and gives an egg to audience member who raises his/him hand]. As it is said, “Look for the gold inside the egg, but be careful, for it may get smelly”.
[Lights out. Cheering heard “Up with Jack” “we love Jack” “Jack for President” “Marry me Jack” “Jack is King” from audience. Lights on. Jack, mother, harp and hen]

JACK: You know, its funny. I never used to want anything. Now I’ve realized that having is a pretty good thing. My 22 neighbors want to meet me, some have brought presents. Bob, at the tavern- He gave me two free beers.

MOTHER: That’s wonderful, son.

JACK: And now to give this a shot. (To the hen) Lay!

HEN: Oh no- you didn’t say what I think you just said.

JACK: Ok, lay hen! (No response) You’re supposed to lay golden eggs. So lay!

HEN: I… cant.

JACK: Why you did it just a while back. Is it the altitude? Do you want some privacy?

HEN: No, you twit! I can’t lay any more.

JACK: Why?

HEN: Menopause.

JACK: You’re kidding! You should’ve told me that before we climbed down the beanstalk! How long have you known?

HEN: I refuse to be insulted and degraded this way! As an egg-producer and as a hen, I demand my rights. I want my R-E-S-P-E-C-T. [Jack looks dumbfounded] Respect you idiot, respect!

CROWD: (From audience) You’re damned right, Mrs. H! Give it to him. We support you! Up with Hen! Women united! Boo Jack! Loser! Chauvinist Pig!

HEN: Thankyou, you’re such wonderful people. The beer’s on me: everyone to the tavern! (Cheers heard) I’ll start my own party- No middle-aged egg layer will ever feel slighted again!

MOTHER: I’m coming with you, Henrietta. Jack, I’m ashamed of you. (They Exit)

JACK: (to harp) well I guess it’s just you and me. (Awkward silence) So-

HARP: Listen to me, before you say anything. I know how those stories go- Dashing hero rescues beautiful girl from evil giant, and they live happily ever after, legally. But I must seek my fortune, the bright lights, the applause, the big city calls. You would not understand.
JACK: But-

HARP: Say no more, Jack- I beg of you. Tralala Harp will always remember you. Now farewell, Jack: I’m off to Broadway! [Exits]

JACK: I just wanted to know if she knew how to cook steak. No golden eggs, no free music. What? Download mp3s from Kazaa? Try it on the kind of dial-up connection we have in this place, and then talk to me. (Mutters) I want. (Exits)

STORYTELLER: Stay away from my house and my car, and I’ll stay away from yours. And so Jack, bereft of harp and with no one to make him dinner, he set off for the tavern, where the Hen was holding a political rally. And since she served beer, she had the majority Farmer Smith never could have.

CHORUS1: Look, everyone, its Jack.
[Shouts of boo and hiss]

HEN: No, wait everyone. Jack has nothing. He evidently needs help.

CHORUS2: See a shrink!

HEN: No. He needs our help. Welcome Jack. We only have Kalyani Beer and oorga, I'm afraid.

JACK: That’ll be fine. I don’t know what to say. Nothing was important to me. But now I realize what is important: Human kindness and charity.

CHORUS3: Somebody shut him up! [Somebody takes out a remote control from a pocket, and mutes Jack, who continues to mime talking] That’s better.

CHORUS2: Set top box remote control easy to use?

CHORUS: You get used to it. But- (looks up, gasps)

STORYTELLER: (Screams) giant entry.

GIANT: What’s all the noise down here? I can’t get any sleep!

STORYTELLER: There was a hush as everyone waited for a blood-drenched argument between Jack and the giant. The hen was silent. But wonder of wonders- the giant wasn’t in a bad mood at all.

GIANT: Well, well- You’ve got your own political party, Hen. Good job. [Dead silence] Jack, good for you boy- Carrying off Hen and my Harp is what I would’ve done if I was younger.

CHORUS2: Or smaller! [Sniggers, growl from giant. Then dead silence]

GIANT: (Laughs) Yes, smaller too. Someone give me a beer! [Someone runs, get a ladder goes up with a barrel] Here’s to Hen, may your feathers never fall off! [Cries of “to hen, to hen!”]

STORYTELLER: The giant told good jokes, and soon he was the life of the party.

GIANT: Here’s another one- Yo’ mama’s so dumb, she got hit by a parked car. (Laughter)

MOTHER: I think I don’t quite approve of this low humor. You would not be here if it weren’t for your mama.

GIANT: No harm intended, just a bit of a laugh. What do you do?

MOTHER: I am a botanist.

GIANT: Your beauty is like photosynthesis to the tree of my soul. My nodes are singing, my leaves are curling…

MOTHER: Tee-hee. I like this giant. Quite a decent man. Not like your father- he was all fat and bald. But oh my, this giant is quite a specimen. Majoris Hotness, even.

GIANT: Come climb with me, sweetheart. I have a big garden and I know you have green fingers.

MOTHER: (Coyly) Why, I don’t even know your name.

GIANT: Montague. Named after my grandfather. Call me Monty. And what’s your name, beautiful?

MOTHER: Thelma.

GIANT: Marry me Thelma! (Rolls a giant tire painted yellow and gold towards her}

MOTHER: Oh, Monty!

CHORUS: To Thelma and Monty! [Cheers]

SOMEONE: Tell us your rhyme, Monty.

SOMEONE2: Yeah, you’re giant theme song.

GIANT: Really? You’re all too kind. Here it is in the original.
Fee fi fo fum/I smell the blood of an Englishman/be he alive or be he dead/I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.

SOMEONE: Here’s a thought- why only Englishmen?

SOMEONE2: Yeah- why not English women?

SOMEONE: Oh I get it. We’re not good enough for you, aye, not as good as some first world, London-bridge falling, Madam Tussaud’s waxing, fish and chips eating English capitalist?

GIANT: No, no, no!

SOMEONE: Kill the giant! Down with the giant!

MOTHER: Jack, do something!

JACK: [As if continuing to talk from last time we heard him] …and the love shown by man to fellow man and all his fellow creatures has given me new hope. Human goodness and fellowship is all I want now. I love you all…
[Growls, yells, singing. They fight and slowly fall down. Chorus yells, “we want”. Red Lights.]

STORYTELLER: (Comes in with a shovel) Stay away from my house and my car, and I’ll stay away from yours. I’ve been digging graves. Farmer Smith and his cohorts are dead now because of that free-for-all in the tavern, so is Bob. A flying Tequila bottle killed him. Jack escaped by hiding under the bar counter. The giant was able to get away safely too, and escaped back to his castle with Jack’s mother.

CHORUS IN THE VOICE OF A NEWSREADER: Goodevening and now for the latest news. The giant has converted to vegetarianism after tasting Jack’s mother’s Bissibela bath. The harp has released a new film, which has struck the right chord at the box office. Henrietta the hen is now Hon. mayor of Poor little village. That’s all for the moment. Have a nice day.

STORYTELLER: Visa applications to Rich Big Village are still pending- See that long queue in front of USIS office. Everybody is still unhappy. Everybody, except- Jack.

CHORUS: Jack, what do you want?

JACK: Wants don’t work, friend. I’ve tried them. I want absolutely nothing.
[Nothing song first couple of lines are sung]

CHORUS1: I still have the complete the down payments on my cow. I’ll be working forever. (Starts crying) What do I do?

JACK: Sell the cow to a fast-food company. No more down payments to make.

CHORUS: That is wonderful advice! [Runs off yelling “I'm free, I'm free”]

CHORUS2: Jack, tell us what to do with our lives.

JACK: Nothing, just nothing.

CHORUS3: My wife’s threatening me with a divorce, O great Jack. What do I do?

JACK: Nothing, just nothing. [They all sit cross-legged, meditating around Jack, who’s’ sitting and chewing straw]

CHORUS: Jack, Thankyou, and Thankyou! I sold the cow, and now I am -

OTHER CHORUS MEMBERS SEATED: Nothing, just nothing.

STORYTELLER: (Puts on a pair of devil horns) well, got Farmer Smith and his crew. That’s 4 out of 23 and a half. Not bad at all. Going to have a new barbecue menu down there. (Calls out) O Faustus, bring out the marinade.

CHORUS: What about the half- err, I mean Bob. If not in hell, where is he?

STORYTELLER: Oh he’s in heaven. Red just wasn’t his color, everybody agreed on that one (Sound of thunder). And the moral (clears his throat, takes off horns and continues) the moral of our tale? Be honest regarding what you want, and who you are.
[Enter hen]
HEN: No, the moral of the story is- It is a Fowl world after all. Get it, fowl [clucks, gets chased off by chorus]

CHORUS: So if everyone is going to heaven or hell, where will Jack end up?

STORYTELLER: Who knows? If he doesn’t want anything, there really isn’t much I can do to catch his interest. What a party he’ll be missing. Oh but believe me- I never give up. (Evil laugh). One more thing- plant more beans. Magic or protein rich food, all is good. And you just never know what adventure waits. Maybe you will get [Giant’s voice- “a wife”. Enter Mother-“a garden”. Enter Harp “a movie contract” Chorus groups together and says-
Peace
Blood
Salad
Jack
Peas
We want! [They exit on “we want” slow echoes, menacing]

STORYTELLER: Or you could simply get

JACK: Nothing. Just nothing.

CURTAIN